Sleepless in Seattle
by NightChild
Summary: Why Max doesn't sleep...M/Z drabble.. my take on her thoughts through some S1 episodes **Chapter 7 Added** Ratings been risen cos there are a few curses :} And the story is getting darker
1. Only when i sleep

Author: Tiger_lily  
  
Notes: Well this is my first Max/Zack fic, inspired by a song and a fanart I made.  
  
Suppose to before AJBAC I'll do a post SAR later . Go to Tigerlily.8m.net/images/finito.jpg to see the fanart. sorry if its not that good.. it was my first one.. : )  
  
Only when I Sleep  
  
_______________________________________________________________  
  
You're only just a dreamboat  
  
Sailing in my head  
  
You swim my secret oceans  
  
Of coral blue and red  
  
Your smell is incense burning  
  
Your touch is silken yet  
  
It reaches through my skin  
  
And moving from within..  
  
* * *  
  
Things look so different here. So much smaller, in perspective. And me? I feel like there is something bigger than just running away from the past, from Manticore. It makes me feel like maybe one day the world I watch, silently, so high above their sleeping heads, will have more to offer me than fear and insecurity. So I come up here some nights, just thinking, wishing, hoping that one day I'll belong down there with the rest of them.  
  
The air up here seems to clear my head.  
  
It helps that I don't need any sleep. Correction, I don't like to sleep. Sure the bad-ass shark DNA that me and Jondy got means we don't need sleep to survive. But wouldn't hurt me to just. close my eyes, just for a second.wash some of my memories away. Right?  
  
Wrong.  
  
The memories never stop. They haunt my dreams, like the past I never left behind. Sure, I surround myself with friends, people I trust, people I respect, people I might even. love. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm different. I never had the happy careless childhood they sometimes tell of. or a typical hate-love relationship with my family. And the love I have for my family transcends our genes.  
  
Zack once said that love was a sentimental lie. Phony sentimentality. Isn't it ironic that he was the one who taught me, who taught all of us how to love? At Manticore, he always looked after us, making sure we weren't hurt, sometimes even disobeying orders if he thought it was best for us. There was something in his eyes, something that I put down as pride, but now that I look back, I think it was love. He guided us through those years. He bought our freedom by coming up with the escape. And he has sacrificed so much for us. for me.  
  
Some people would peg his guidance and leadership of us as following an order. He was trained to be a leader, so he was just doing his job. And we just happened to be a series that had very independent mothers. Some might say Zack didn't love us at all.  
  
But why do you think he continued to look out for us after the escape? He would call it his duty. I call it love.  
  
I feel sorry for the X-7s. I remember looking at my clone, it was like staring into a mirror. She was me so many years ago. I thought I needed to give her chance, since nobody at Manticore had ever given her a choice. But then looking into her eyes as that gun fired, they were steel- gray. No light, no hope, no love. She is me except for one difference; she never had a caring, protective big brother to teach her there was more to live than following orders. Zack taught me that. Manticore can never duplicate that.  
  
For someone who doesn't believe in love, he has a lot of it to give. Zack's so intense, his emotions (when he reveals them) are amplified a thousand times. I've never seen someone so strong and yet so vulnerable. Zack doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. Sometimes looking at his chiseled face, his expression is impossible to read. He's grown good at guarding his emotions. But at least he's direct. If he wants something, he lets it be known how he feels. He might not say it. But you know. You can feel it in his presence, his stride. and those baby blue eyes that are as clear as a mirror to his soul.  
  
Zack might not the caring sensitive new age guy girls want these days. He might not ask you, ' how are you feeling?' or 'are you okay'? Zack's observant. He doesn't base things on feelings. He watches what you do. Then he does the maths and figures it out for himself. But he understands me without needing to ask. He can tell when I'm angry or sad. It's just a deeper understanding that comes from what we've gone through together. Sometimes I see girls mourning over some hot high school stud who ditched her. I see women prostituting themselves on the street. I see babies with no mothers because they didn't have enough strength to live alone. I see women who let their husbands bash them up just so because they believe it's better than nothing. I wonder what they could possibly have seen in men who hurt them so. And that's when I'm grateful for what I have. Zack doesn't like to be disobeyed. But he'll let me make my own choices.  
  
Zack says I'm living a lie, but better a lie than nothing. He doesn't understand though that I'm trying to replace the emptiness that I feel without him. I remember just after the escape, Hiding in Hannah's car, then later at the cabin. I had never been separated from my brothers and sisters before. Never been away from Zack. I was always his right hand. But then he made us split up. I didn't know where he was or even if he escaped. And there was just this awful emptiness inside me. Like there was nothing to live for. This deep darkness that despaired me so much I wanted to give way to my soldier training and just shut out everyone altogether. So I ran away that night, thinking I could never trust anyone.  
  
Then I came here. Seattle. Home of the brave and free. And I met Cindy, who taught me how to laugh freely, Sketchy who reminded me to live life for today, Herbal who taught me to release my anger and hurt. Even Normal with his 'bip, bip, bip' reminded me that I was living my life the way I wanted to. Manticore kiss my genetically engineered ass. I'm not going to give up living because I had a bad childhood and people want to kill me. Heck, I admire normal human beings who deal with these problems and still turned out to be beautiful people.  
  
So I felt somewhat at home here. I filled that empty hole in my heart with laughter and friends, a job and some righteous butt-kicking courtesy of Mr Cale. But it was like that jigsaw piece that didn't quite fit properly. The hole was filled, but never the right fit.  
  
Then Zack found me, and I'm reminded that I can't entirely ditch my past. There were good things there too. Ben making butterfly shadows on that plain grey wall. Zack holding a red balloon with 'Happy birthday' on it. We'd never heard of birthdays before, let alone balloons for celebration. All the language that was thrown around us were project commencement dates and termination dates. That didn't seem like something to celebrate. But seeing Zack again. god how he'd grown. changed from the image I'd memorized so many years ago.  
  
*  
  
And when I wake from slumber  
  
Your shadows disappear  
  
Your breath is just sea mist  
  
Surrounding my body  
  
I'm workin' through the daytime  
  
But when it's time to rest  
  
I'm lying in my bed  
  
Listening to my breath  
  
Falling form the edge.  
  
* * *  
  
If I close my eyes, his image comes into view. Locks of gold surrounding that hard face, the prominent jaw, those baby blue eyes. His scent and presence surrounds me and I'm falling. Falling in love with him again. No matter how many times I forget. or involve myself with normal guys, thinking if I can't make my mind forget, I'll distract my body, he haunts my sleep, my dreams, my sub-consciousness. Me.  
  
The first time I fell in love with him was as a soldier at Manticore. He was so noble and so brave. I had one of those cute little kiddie crushes on him. He was my hero, and he was my safety. The second time was after I discovered Sam was Zack. Like for all my siblings I'd imagined lives for him. Lives where he was happy, a normal life for him. I'd imagined what how he would look and how he'd smile. But seeing him again destroyed the perception I'd held in my head. He was cold, still a soldier. I thought all these years on the outside, surrounded by laughing happy people would have worn him down a little. But he was still hard as granite. It kind of ripped me apart to see what he'd become. So bitter, so hateful. I wanted to scream, ' Zack you can't feel this way. This is exactly the way Manticore would have wanted. For you to throw your life away. You're letting them win.' But like a good little soldier, I did what I was told and I kept my mouth shut. But secretly I hated him for it.  
  
But when I went to save him after his escape from Manticore, which was because of ME, he was a completely different person. So unnaturally scared. so weak. He cried in front of me and it seemed like he was only a shadow of the man he was. I hated him for that too. Like he'd shattered the idea I'd developed as a kid that he was invincible. It's the kind of disappointment that you feel when you realize your hero is not as strong as he looks. But how could I hate him after he'd open up to me? I feel in love with him again, right then, after I realized he'd given me a glimpse of a side of him I'd never seen before. I'd seen that there was so much more to him that just that cold veneer he put up. If you just scratch the surface a little.  
  
What we share transcends the consciousness. I don't need to think to know he'll protect me, like he always has. Forever the big brother, the CO. forever thinking I'm not capable of protecting myself. But now I know that he has fears, doubts and even dreams too, like me. Now I've seen him smile, an hesitant curve of the mouth, a flash of teeth, reminding me the worth of something rare. Like watching a baby takes its first steps. He's gradually succumbing to me. Letting me teach him a another way of living to the one he'd been taught. And now I can protect him back.  
  
*  
  
it's only when I sleep  
  
See you in my dreams  
  
You got me spinning round and round  
  
Turning upside-down  
  
But I only hear you breathe  
  
Somewhere in my sleep.  
  
*  
  
Maybe he's right. Maybe I can't protect myself. I can't seem to protect myself from him. From my dreams. From my feelings.  
  
So instead of sleeping, instead of losing myself into his baby blues while I sleep, I ride my motorcycle, I kick some ass, I scale buildings and come up here. Continually running. Hiding. Denying.  
  
I'm trying to escape more than just Manticore. I'm trying to evade my dreams. Trying to leave myself behind.  
  
My feelings for Zack is the weakness I won't surrender to ..  
  
But its no big dealio.  
  
These dreams only come when I sleep. So as long as I'm up here, feeling the wind against my face, watching the world sleep around me, I'm safe. As long as I keep my eyes open, he is a million miles away.  
  
Right?  
  
So how come I feel like I'm just living with my eyes closed?  
  
*  
  
Up to the sky  
  
Where angels fly  
  
I'll never die  
  
In bed I lie  
  
No need to cry  
  
My sleeping cry  
  
Hawaiian High  
  
But it's only when I sleep... 


	2. Standing Still

1.1 Standing still  
  
Author: Tiger_lily  
  
I hope you guyz like this.Zack's PoW  
  
By the way, in chapter one the song was 'Only when I sleep' by the Corrs  
  
This one is 'Standing still' by Jewel. Hope you like. Sorry this is so short (  
  
*~*~*~*~  
  
Cutting through the darkest night  
  
In my two headlights  
  
I'm trying to keep it clear  
  
But I'm losing it here  
  
To the twilight  
  
There's a dead end to my left  
  
There's a burning bush to my right  
  
You aren't in sight  
  
You aren't in sight  
  
*  
  
  
  
  
  
The motorcycle raced through the streets. The rider had been riding all through the night, and had just entered the city. Streaks of pink, yellow and crimson painted the pre-dawn sky, heralding the sunrise. The city was quiet. But the rider wasn't at rest. His thoughts were loud.very loud.  
  
*  
  
Do you need me  
  
Like I need you?  
  
*  
  
A new morning.  
  
A new city.  
  
Someone else to check up on  
  
Something else to preoccupy me  
  
But come tomorrow, I'll run from here like I ran away from Seatle.  
  
*  
  
Mothers on a stoop  
  
Boys in souped-up coupes  
  
On this hot summer night  
  
Between fight and flight  
  
Is the blind man's sight  
  
And the choice that's right  
  
*  
  
The eternal question:  
  
Why do I keep running?  
  
*  
  
Feels like I'm gonna drown  
  
In this strange town  
  
I feel broken down  
  
I feel broken down  
  
*  
  
Maybe I feel if I stop, I won't know where I'm going.  
  
Maybe if I stop, I'll have to face the fact that someone is waiting for me in Seatle. Someone that will make me forget about Manticore.  
  
Someone who will teach me about myself.  
  
Someone who can see past this mask I hide behind.  
  
Someone who knows me.  
  
*  
  
Do you need me like I need you to?  
  
Do you want me like I want you?  
  
Or are you passing me by?  
  
Or am I standing still?  
  
*  
  
She has a name.  
  
But I'm not prepared to say it yet.  
  
*  
  
Sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow  
  
Sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow  
  
*  
  
After all, love is just a sentimental lie right?  
  
So why do I feel like I'm standing still?  
  
*  
  
Or am I standing still?  
  
Beneath the darkened sky  
  
Or am I standing still?  
  
With the scenery flying by  
  
Or am I standing still?  
  
Out of the corner of my eye  
  
Was that you passing me by?  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
I'll do a post AJBAC and a post SAR later  
  
Hope you like : ) 


	3. Two Hearts

Author: Tiger_lily  
  
Note: here is chapter three.. which is post AJBAC. Hope you like : )  
  
The song here is Phil Collins ' Two hearts'  
  
I'm thinking to do a Zack PoW of post AJBAC later. Out  
  
*~*~*  
  
Two Hearts  
  
*  
  
Well there was no reason to believe she'd always be there  
  
But if you don't put faith in what you're believin', it's getting nowhere  
  
And it teaches you to never give up, don't look down, just look up  
  
'Cos she's always there behind you, just to remind you  
  
Two hearts believing in just one mind  
  
You know it, two hearts believing in just one mind  
  
*  
  
  
  
  
  
Here I lie.  
  
In these green scrubs.  
  
In this bed.  
  
In this place I swore I would never return  
  
The walls are still the same grey I remember. Same cold concrete and barred windows. Manticore really needs a new interior decorator  
  
But I still feel safe.  
  
Why?  
  
Could it be the drugs they injected into me?  
  
Sure, maybe I'm hallucinating, but it takes more than those lame-ass drugs to knock this girl out  
  
No, it's the constant thud, thud, thud I can feel in here.  
  
Inside  
  
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still imagine him besides me. Hearing his words, feeling the strong beat of his heart gives me strength. Strength enough to beat this bitch.  
  
.  
  
Zack gave me something precious. He gave me life.  
  
***  
  
Well there was no easy way to, to understand it  
  
'Cos there's so much of my love in her, as I've got plenty  
  
And it teaches you to never let go, there's so much love you'll never know  
  
'Cos she can reach you, no matter how far, wherever you are  
  
Two hearts believing in just one mind  
  
Beating together till the end of time  
  
You know it, two hearts believing in just one mind  
  
Together forever till the end of time  
  
*  
  
Fight them Maxie. Promise me you'll fight them.  
  
I promise.  
  
Even though he's gone, some part of me will always believe he's still alive. If not in body, then in here. Inside of me. He's such a strong presence now. Always whispering to me, guiding me like he always has.  
  
I was angry, so angry when I woke up the first time and found that bitch by my bed. To hear her cold tormenting words.  
  
Thud. Thud. Thud  
  
"Listen to that. That's strong, isn't it? That is the heart of a soldier "  
  
No.  
  
"A leader"  
  
No, please- no  
  
A martyr."  
  
No- it can't be  
  
Turn if off  
  
"Turn it off"  
  
"He was quite a man, your brother, Zack. He must've loved you very much... "  
  
NO!  
  
Thud. Thud. Thud.  
  
"-to make this sacrifice. "  
  
Zack!  
  
"TURN IT OFF!"  
  
My mind was streaming. WHY?  
  
Why did you do that?  
  
You had so much to live for? The others.  
  
You foolish boy!  
  
Why did you surrender?  
  
But there's no need for asking really. I know the answers.  
  
Zack loved me, the kind of pure beautiful love you don't find often  
  
.  
  
He wasn't sure what love was. He didn't even know how to recognize it. He always said he didn't believe in it.  
  
But Zack has always been about action. So instead of finding fumbling words to express how he felt, he showed me.  
  
"But isn't it comforting to know that- "  
  
Shut up  
  
" - a part of him lives on in you?"  
  
No o o o o! Zack- SHUT UP  
  
White light.  
  
Blurs of colors  
  
Red  
  
Green. Blue  
  
Yellow. Purple. Orange  
  
A child's laughter  
  
Zack  
  
". come home? "  
  
Red. Green. Blue. Yellow. Purple. Orange  
  
"To me?"  
  
Red.  
  
A paper kaleidoscope. We found one once. In the forest. It must have floated in the breeze. We all gathered around Zack as he put his eye to it. We were tense. What was it?  
  
Zack laughed  
  
We all shrunk back a little, shocked. We'd never heard that sound before. We didn't even know if we were capable of it.  
  
We'd heard some weird raspy sounds from the throats of the guards. But we'd just assumed that it was some kind of weakness. An anomaly. I remember Eva describing it to me. She tried to copy it. It sounded like a cough. Zack said it must be a sickness. Coughs were bad.  
  
The light sound that came out of Zack's throat wasn't loud. It was kind of raspy, like he had to clear his throat after years of having a sore throat. But it was pure. Pure joy. And from then on we liked 'laughter'  
  
He passed the kaleidoscope on and each of us looked inside. I remember looking inside and seeing such brightness in the world. In all different colors and they were all beautiful. We'd of course been taught the names of all the colors before we knew our names. But we'd only seen somberness in them. Navy. Black. Gray. Khaki. Khaki was most common. Suddenly the world was full of light and joy and brightness. I liked all the colors. But I liked red the best. This was after the red balloon. Before I realized what color blood was. Before Jack died, Eva died, Tinga died, Zack.  
  
No. Not yet.  
  
We all tried to mimic Zack's 'laugh.' We all sounded different. That's when I realized that we were all different. Of course we'd noticed it before. We had different eyes, or hair or skin. But it hadn't matter. To me we were all the same. But know, hearing those weak, but strong sounds of laughing emerge after years of silence. I remember thinking Jondy sounded like a donkey. But it was then that I realized we were all individuals.  
  
It was only a little while later that we found names.  
  
But that day. Where the colors surrounded my head, making my world bright and colorful. It was a day for children. Not soldiers. Children. Not yet to know better.  
  
Now I'm back where I started.  
  
And I'm not a child anymore.  
  
Then I heard it. A whisper. Maybe just a memory.  
  
Fight them Maxie-  
  
-Promise me you'll fight them-  
  
I promise.  
  
After she closed that door, I prayed. I prayed for the first time in my life. I had never really enthusiastic about religion. After the things I'd seen, after the things I'd done to believe some high mighty actually condoned it- why would he be so cruel?  
  
And I'd never been into the Blue Lady. Didn't have the twisted faith Ben had in her. In some way I see now that he was testing her. Testing the faith of the people who believed in her. Well Ben had always wanted to make a difference. I'd just always thought he'd do it by becoming a rock star or something.  
  
But I'm no angel. Look what I did to Ben. It's hard. Hard to even forgive myself.  
  
But I didn't need to. Zack did it for me.  
  
But Zack had always accepted me. He took me in, time after time.  
  
But even if I didn't have much faith, I was no atheist either. There just never was the occasion where I felt I needed guidance. Zack was always there. He always made sure I knew what I needed to do. Besides, it felt wrong to pray when you need something. Like when something terrible happens and someone suddenly has faith. Like God's gonna fall for that.  
  
But what do you do when you're alone for the first time in your life?  
  
So I lay there and I said a couple of prays to her. God. If I was going to believe in her at all, I'll believe she's a kick-ass female thank you very much  
  
I wasn't sure what to say. What to do you say to someone you've never met? Or never talked to? Hello, I've never really believed in you, but since I've just had a heart transplant I'm going to pray to you? But I had to try.  
  
For Zack  
  
I closed my eyes. And whispered "Take care of him" like a mantra in my head. Like maybe if I repeated it enough, it would come true.  
  
I closed my eyes and he came then. Just an image. Just a memory. But he was there.  
  
Flash of yellow hair. A smile. His gentle fingers on my hair. His solid warmth as I clung behind him as we sped through the night. His strong grip on me as we swung away from the troops at his apartment.  
  
Just a memory.  
  
But enough  
  
Even now with him gone, Zack made sure I knew what I needed to do.  
  
I need to live. For him. For me.  
  
He always understood me better without words.  
  
You're here Zack.  
  
Inside your heart. My heart  
  
  
  
*  
  
Well she knows, there'll always be a special place in my heart for her  
  
She knows, she knows, she knows  
  
Yeah she knows, no matter how far apart we go, she knows  
  
I'm always right there beside her  
  
With two hearts believing in just one mind  
  
Beating together till the end of time  
  
You know it, two hearts, but believing in just one mind  
  
Together forever till the end of time  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
Well?  
  
R& R please  
  
'Cos I live to please : ) 


	4. Definition

Author: Tiger_lily  
  
Notes: Chapter 4.!! Post- AJBAC, Zack's PoW  
  
Wow I'm on the ball today.  
  
I think it's the songs I hear. Music can inspire the most beautiful things.  
  
Also Zack really is 23 he was born on the 9.13.1997. check out darkangeltv.com if you don't believe me  
  
and DA is set in 2020. or is it 2021 now in Season 2? Anywayz he's 23 in my story.  
  
The one here is 'You took my heart away' by Michael learns to rock.  
  
Yes , yes I know it's a pun. just don't take it literally okay? It's suppose to be sweet  
  
*~*~*  
  
*  
  
Staring at the moon so blue  
  
Turning all my thoughts to you  
  
I was without hopes or dreams  
  
I tried to dull an inner scream  
  
But you...  
  
Saw me through  
  
*  
  
Maxie.  
  
Nothing like being woke up by a cow prod being used on you.  
  
Well maybe not a cow prod. I don't know what the technical term for it. But that's what it felt like.  
  
It's like electricity blazing into your heart. Well mechanical heart technically.  
  
Most days, I'm in and out of consciousness. Sometimes I'm not sure which one I'm in.  
  
Sometimes I wish I was unconscious.  
  
There was about 10 seconds after that bullet hit my head that I thought I was going to die.  
  
For about 2 of those seconds, I panicked. I'm 23. That's considered young in this age. I have a life to live.  
  
But I'd never hoped for the kind of things normal twenty-somethings could. I'd never gone to college. I wasn't qualified for anything. Except recon, assassinations and military projects. I thought about joining the army. What do you do when people are searching for you? Hide in the most obvious place. A soldier hiding in the army? Even Manticore wouldn't think of that. Especially since they don't seem to understand irony.  
  
I could have worked as a mercenary. But funny enough, I wasn't in the mood. The truth is, I'd had enough of killing.  
  
If Max was here, she'd roll her eyes.  
  
If Max was here.so many feelings flood my mind.  
  
You might be surprised. But I don't actually enjoy killing. I know what your thinking. Zack? That stoic warrior guy who's never hesitated to kill? But I only killed out of necessity. And I don't regret any of those deaths. Not for a second. Especially since I know about three quarters of the people I've killed wouldn't hesitate to send a bullet into the head of one of my family. So as far as I'm concerned, I'm guiltless. The quick or the dead I suppose.  
  
The other quarter. I blame Manticore for those. They made me what I am. They trained me. Forced me to kill people for practice. The people I've killed were never good people anyway.  
  
But working in an army? Going to war? Killing people without purpose or cause? That's not my gig.  
  
So in those two seconds, I thought about all I didn't want to lose.  
  
I didn't have a family. Not the typical mom, dad, squabbling siblings. My mother as far as I'm concerned is dead to me. I knew Max wants to find her mom, but she was young before we've escaped. She went out in the world and she saw babies with their mommas and she imagined she was in their place. But I know there's a difference between those moms and the one that brought me into the world  
  
She was there to serve a purpose.  
  
I was a project for her. Designation X5-599. I was just a number. 330417291599.She didn't even name me,  
  
I have no memories of her. But I don't need to make up stories of how she is or what she looks like.  
  
If she wanted me, she would have fought harder.  
  
Just like Max's mother should have if she loved her.  
  
Love  
  
How could you not love Max? How can you not want to protect her? If love is what a mother feels for a child. then she should have made a sacrifice.  
  
Like I did.  
  
I don't know what love is. It's one of those things that Manticore didn't explain. I had to get out in the real world to discover what it was. After the escape, I ran from town to town. I didn't know where I was going. I just had to keep on moving. And in every town I went to, I kept my eyes open for the rest of them. In about the fifth place I ended up, I saw something that I couldn't understand. I was hiding out in an abandoned barn on a farm. One day some kids found my hiding spot. There were two of them, two boys, a little younger than me. They snuck into the barn and started playing chasey in the loft. I didn't understand the purpose of their game. It was similar to escape and evade, the drill we practiced at Manticore. But nothing happened if someone was caught. They'd just swap roles. No one was handed over for re-indoctrination.  
  
Well while the kids were running around, one of them fell over and cried out in pain. He'd hurt his ankle and he started to cry. I was fascinated with his tears. Who would have thought there was an ample water supply located under my eyes? Why had Manticore not taught them that survival trick? (Later I found out that it was saltwater and quite useless.)  
  
The other boy gave him a hug and helped him up.  
  
"Johnny, are you okay?"  
  
"My ankle hurts"  
  
"Is it broken? Can you move it?"  
  
"Yeah but it hurts!" The boy wailed and more liquid poured down his cheeks.  
  
"If I help you, can you walk home?"  
  
"Maybe"  
  
"Johnny, I'll help you. You'll be alright. I'll always take care of you"  
  
"Ok. I love you Kev"  
  
They walked away, the younger one with his arm around the others shoulder, limping. They made slow progress, but that didn't seem to matter. They didn't care for the world, except that they had each other.  
  
The way they felt about each other reminded me of how I felt about my sisters and brothers. We felt the same way. We just didn't have a name or explanation for it. Maybe this 'love' had something to do with that. I decided to look it up in the dictionary, as I'd overheard somebody tell a kid that a dictionary was where you can find an explanation for anything. This is what I found.  
  
Love [luv ] noun (plural loves)  
  
1.  very strong affection:  an intense feeling of tender affection and compassion [pic] Young children need unconditional love.  
  
2.  passionate attraction and desire:  a passionate feeling of romantic desire and sexual attraction  
  
3.  somebody much loved:  somebody who is loved romantically [pic] He was her first real love.  
  
It didn't seem to explain much but I thought that the first definition was what my brothers and sisters and I had. The second and third definition I didn't understand. What was the purpose of that kind of love?  
  
It didn't seem like something I'd ever want or have. It didn't really define love for me and I kind of gave up on trying to figure it out.  
  
But I don't need to define it to know what it feels like. Us kids looked after each other well in Manticore. Nothing grew there. Not inside that gray building. There were no plants inside the building. No animals. Nothing but us. In some places, they bred plants. Others animals. Manticore bred soldiers.  
  
But in the desolute place, my 20 siblings and I found something beautiful. Love. It didn't have a name then. But it was an emotion Manticore didn't have breed into us.  
  
So although I didn't have parents, I had family. And I wanted to live for them.  
  
What else did I have to live for?  
  
Max  
  
How can I explain how I feel about Max? Simple. I can't It's almost as hard as explaining love.  
  
Maybe because Max and love have always been connected in some way.  
  
First it was my little sister Maxie.  
  
I was a soldier. Soldiers didn't play favourites. It wasn't that hard. I loved all of them.  
  
But Max. as soon as she was born I knew she was different. Lydecker knew it too. He was there at her birth. Not in the same room. no that would be unprofessional. But behind a fiberglass one way mirror, he watched as X5- 452 was brought into the world. I was there and saw him with my micro- vision through that beguiling glass.  
  
I was there for each X5 birth. It was kind of like reverse imprinting. Even though I was only one when the next X-5 was born, I was there so they could reinstate that I was to be the leader and it was my assignment to protect and lead these soldiers. At the first one I was confused. I was expecting a warrior to emerge, maybe slightly smaller than me, all ready for actions and instructions. What I didn't expect was a woman yelling very loudly as a tiny pruned thing was ejected from her. I didn't understand why it was so small, so pink. so vulnerable. But I loved them all the same. If possible I loved them more because I knew they would need protection from me, and that what they would become was at least partly a result of my guidance. From weak little beings to the ultimate team fighting force. I vowed even then that was their last moment of weakness. Everyone of them became my responsibility and I wasn't going to let them down.  
  
But when Max was born, I knew she was different. They were afraid that she was going to die before she was even born. Her mother had a difficult birth but finally with a kick, 332960073452 emerged into the world. And she appeared with her beautiful brown eyes open.  
  
They were afraid she wouldn't survive the night. She was the smallest of all babies, premature. But she proved to them all wrong. She was a fighter from the start. I held her briefly, right after the birth. I was the first person she really saw. I held her in my arms, like I would after each training session where she got hurt and a couple of months ago when she found me at last. She'd hug me then with such ferocity. Like she didn't want to let go. And as soon as I stared into her clear brown eyes, I loved her. The same kind of love that pulsed through me when I saw her lying on that table so still and cold- so cold. And while I held this little bundle, she smiled at me. That toothless grin was the first I'd ever seen. And I didn't know what it meant, but I liked it. A sign of innocence. Maybe her last. But it was beautiful and I wanted to protect that kind of beauty. I wanted to protect her. She'd shown me there was something worth smiling about in the world.  
  
I knew she would be strong, maybe even stronger than me. Maybe not in physique, maybe not in physical strength. In will and determination. In spirit.  
  
That night, I got some idea where she'd gotten such spirit. Her surrogate was exhausted from the labor and the drugs they'd knocked into her. But while I was holding Max, she beckoned to me. A small flick of the fingers that no one without X-5 vision could see. She wanted to hold Max. I stepped towards her, very quietly, quickly. Somehow I knew this was not what the Manticore doctors wanted. No mother had shown any interest in any of the X- 5s, But she had courage, and even I at age three knew that courage should be rewarded. So I stepped towards her. Closer. A step. Left, right, left, right, like I'd been taught. But there was an obstacle. A hand gripped my shoulder. "What are you doing X5-599?" Lydecker. Max's surrogate looked at me then, a look of such desperation that it touched something in me. Maybe mercy. I didn't answer. Instead I employed an escape and evade maneuver and in a heartbeat, put that baby in her mother's arms. Only for a second. Then Lydecker swooped and took Max away. That was the first time I'd ever disobeyed an order. Lydecker wasn't pleased. I was punished.  
  
But when those doctors took Max away, her surrogate uttered the most awful wail. She surged forwards and tried to get to Max, before six doctors strained to get her contained. She was dragged away, struggling, fighting, screaming. I saw something in her eyes. Something I'd never seen before. Sorrow. Sadness.  
  
I was curious. I'd never seen such resistance in a surrogate That was the first time I asked myself whether Manticore was always right.  
  
Maybe Max was destined to change me. She changed the way I acted. The way I thought but never questioned. She was the first to find out about names and think of one for herself.  
  
She talked to me about it once. She'd stopped me after training once and said she'd wanted to talk to me. She asked me about her mother. What was she like? What was her name? I asked her why she wanted to know? What did she remember? She told me she didn't remember much. Only hands. A pair of gentle hands holding her, lovingly. Then many pairs of cold, hard hands, taking her away. I asked her how she remembered. She replied, "I just know."  
  
That's one of the reason I loved Maxie. She didn't need a reason to do something. She was instinctive, like an animal. She didn't need someone to give her purpose. She could find one herself.  
  
On the day of the escape, I was edgy. I wasn't sure that an escape was the right thing to do. That would be resisting everything we'd ever been taught. But I knew I had to do it. For Max. Her seizures were getting worse and if they noticed it, they'd take her way. To the nomalies. I didn't know what was on the Outside. But surely it had more to offer them than this. So we escaped. Well, most of us. Eva never made it that far and they got me. I should have been there in time to save Eva. She should've never had to follow that order. But she loved Maxie as much as I did, as much as the others did. She died noble. I couldn't have asked for more than that. A soldier's death. A sister's death.  
  
When I finally found Maxie so many years later, I questioned myself. Is this what we'd escape for? So she could live this lie complete with friends, a job and - a boyfriend? She was in denial. She couldn't be free and happy at the same time. It was either one or the other.  
  
I asked her to go. She refused.  
  
It was the first time she'd disobeyed me. I saw that as a bit of a betrayal. She'd chosen herself over her family. Part of me wanted to hate her. But the other part loved her more then, because she was a free spirit. She made her own choices, even if they were hard.  
  
I put up with her denial. I told myself I would leave her alone and let her go.  
  
I went back to Seatle.  
  
There were the times she saw me . and the many times she didn't  
  
I told myself I was just doing my brotherly duty. It was my job as CO. It was my purpose.  
  
But there was something more. I'd never wanted to watch any of my other brothers and sisters sleep. I'd never wanted to stroke their hair or feel their skin. I never wanted to tell them they were beautiful and keep by her side forever to make sure she would always be okay. I was distracted each time I returned from Seatle. I'd lose myself in her.  
  
But love was phony sentimentality right? This was love, but the first kind right? Not the sexual passionate thing I'd read about. Not romance. Soldiers don't fall in love with their conrades. It was wrong, but nothing had ever felt so right.  
  
I envied her really. She seemed so free. She seemed to have left all the excess baggage Manticore heaped on us behind. She was living her life like she wanted and I wondered if I would ever get to do that? Did I even want to do that? She wasn't going to be brought down by her past. She could see a future for herself.  
  
But apparently not for me. There was someone else. There was something there between them that I'd never seen before. And I got jealous and protective. Not brotherly protective either.  
  
But I held back my own feelings. I wasn't going to try anything unwelcomed on Max. Not Maxie, not the one I'd sworn to protect.  
  
So I let her go. So I thought. But part of me stayed with her every time I left. Part of me. Which part? My heart? My soul? I dunno.  
  
She wanted to take down Manticore goddamn it. I should have said no when she first suggested it. No it would never work. But she brought me hope. And after seeing Krit and Syl, the team we made, there was something there. We were a family again. She made us all feel we could succeed. Take down the enemy once and for all. We took a lead from her. She'd been battling her demons why couldn't we.  
  
So we went and we almost got away. All of it was going according to plan. Except when the X-7's attacked. I might have been able to take them down. But I was slow, dragged down by my concern for Max. And then when I saw them, saw Max as I remembered years ago. I just let them take me. Because I could never hurt her, clone or not.  
  
I realized when I saw her on that stretcher with blood on her that I'd been holding onto the image I'd remember from years ago. I still pegged her as my little sister, Maxie, when she had grown up. But I wanted her to stay the same. The same little girl who looked up to me. Who admired me. Who loved me. I wanted her to love me and only me.  
  
So when faced with the choice of losing her or letting go of her, I let her go.  
  
I finally let go.  
  
She no longer needed my protection.  
  
She hadn't for a long time  
  
I just didn't want to let go.  
  
But now I realize what I'd always known. She was a fighter. She would live.  
  
She just needed a little help.  
  
It was the last thing I could do for her.  
  
X5-599, I've got a heart for you  
  
*  
  
Walking on a path of air  
  
See your faces everywhere  
  
As you melt this heart of stone  
  
You take my hand to guide me home  
  
And now...  
  
I'm in love  
  
You took my heart away  
  
When my whole world was gray  
  
You gave me everything  
  
And a little bit more  
  
And when it's cold at night  
  
And you sleep by my side  
  
You become the meaning of my life  
  
*  
  
Apparently, for a soldier trained to kill, I had lousy aim.  
  
Maybe I wasn't ready to die  
  
Although sometimes I get confused to what I'm living for now.  
  
I'd forgotten something for a second.  
  
I was Manticore technology.  
  
About ten seconds after I shot myself, my bodies survival instinct kicked into action. Even if my mind had let go, even if I was at peace with dying, my body wouldn't let me go. That's Manticore irony for you. I could have been peaceful for the first time in my life. Knowing I'd die for a true purpose. Knowing I'd died for love. Knowing I'd giving my Maxie a second chance.  
  
But Manticore wasn't going to let me have that kind of peace. Looks like I'm worth more to them alive than dead. Or am I now called the living dead?  
  
Memory's a bitch. Sometimes it fades. In and out. But how could I ever forget her?  
  
When they brought that window up, something jumped in me. Max, it screamed. But she just looked at me with her sad forever eyes. I would have given anything to make her see I was alright. I would have done anything to save her the worry and pain.  
  
I'd already sacrificed that much for her.  
  
But given the choice, I would do it all again. For her.  
  
And I'm going to fight them. I'm going to live. That's what's kept me alive all this time. Knowing she's alive. And as longs as she's out there, I'll find her.  
  
*  
  
Living in a world so cold (living in a world so cold)  
  
You are there to warm my soul (you are there to warm my soul)  
  
You came to mend a broken heart  
  
You gave my life a brand new start  
  
And now...  
  
I'm in love  
  
You took my heart away  
  
When my whole world was gray  
  
You gave me everything  
  
And a little bit more  
  
And when it's cold at night  
  
And you sleep by my side  
  
You become the meaning of my life  
  
Holding your hand  
  
I won't fear tomorrow  
  
Here where we stand  
  
We'll never be alone  
  
You took my heart away  
  
When my whole world was gray  
  
You gave me everything  
  
And a little bit more  
  
And when it's cold at night  
  
And you sleep by my side  
  
You become the meaning of my life  
  
You become the meaning of my life  
  
You become the meaning  
  
You become the meaning of my life 


	5. Second Chance

1.1 Author: Tiger_lily  
  
Note: Well this was written first, then match with a song.  
  
I love this song,. Its so beautiful and I thought it matched well.  
  
Tell me what you think. Zack's PoW as Adam is coming up soon  
  
*~*~*  
  
1.2 Second Chance  
  
*  
  
Spend all your time waiting  
  
for that second chance  
  
for a break that would make it okay  
  
there's always one reason  
  
to feel not good enough  
  
and it's hard at the end of the day  
  
I need some distraction  
  
oh beautiful release  
  
memory seeps from my veins  
  
let me be empty  
  
and weightless and maybe  
  
I'll find some peace tonight  
  
*  
  
In Manticore they'd taught us never to forget the objective. Never forget that the mission meant everything. That had mattered to Zack more than anyone. He liked having a purpose. That message anchored in his mind so well that even ten years after the escape, he never stopped looking over his shoulder. He never forgot what was after him and he never stopped looking out for us.  
  
Now its my turn to return the favour, big brother.  
  
So why do I feel like I want him back already? I know. I'm feeling selfish.But for a second there, when he stopped in from of me in that wheelchair, wearing that ridiculous bathrobe that Zack, the Zack I knew wouldn't be caught in, and gazed in my eyes, asking in that inquisitive nature he'd always had whether he know me, I nearly compromised the the mission. My heart was screaming, YES! I'm your Maxie. But a cold voice I hardly recognized as my own said, "No". Afterwards, I thought, how could I have been so calm? So nonchalant. But I had to. That's what I'll keep telling myself.  
  
For a second, my mind raced through all the possibilities of going with Zack. But if he remembered me, he would become the Manticore trained assassin he'd been before. Zack had gone through so much on account of me. I didn't want him to have blood on his hands because of my need to be with him. Besides, it was enough that I'd made Logan a paraplegic. Somehow I don't think he'd appreciate being dead.  
  
Besides, even if he didn't remember Max or Manticore, I'd put him in danger. I'll always be a danger to him. He could disappear from Manticore's reach forever as Adam. But if I was with him, Manticore would catch up with him. Two X-5s together are easy bait. He had sacrificed enough for me. How ironic? All this time, Zack had been right about keeping us apart. Together, we'd became careless. Distracted by our feelings.  
  
Zack said to me once, "How could I forget a thing about you Maxie?" Now that is what keeps us apart.  
  
But sometimes, I daydream that I did go with him and we rediscovered each other all over again, in another life, where Manticore doesn't exist. Where nothing can split us apart. We'd lose ourselves in each other.  
  
But we live here, in this life, in this world. That's why it has to be this way. We have to be apart. Manticore training finally taught me something, gave me the strength to complete the mission  
  
.  
  
That's just it. This is more than any ordinary mission. This is Zack. The one I'd always relied on. How would I survive on my own? With him gone, I'm truly alone.  
  
1.3 Do I know you?  
  
Better than I know myself  
  
*  
  
in the arms of an angel  
  
fly away from here  
  
from this dark cold hotel room  
  
and the endlessness that you fear  
  
you are pulled from the wreckage  
  
of your silent reverie  
  
you're in the arms of the angel  
  
may you find some comfort there  
  
you're in the arms of the angel  
  
may you find some comfort here  
  
*  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
well what do you think?  
  
Review please. Remember words create kindness. Hehe 


	6. Who i am

1.1 Author: Tiger_lily  
  
Notes: Chapter 6 is a step into the unknown. Not inspired by a song or anything. Just I wanna try to capture how lost Adam/ Zack must feel. Living a lie and not knowing who he is.  
  
The lyrics at the start and end are Sarah Mclachlan's 'Black and White' and all the stuff in the middle is Ape Guano ' Living in a lie'  
  
**~~~  
  
1.2 Who I am  
  
*  
  
and the animal awakens  
  
and all I feel is black and white  
  
and I'm wound up small and tight  
  
and I don't know who I am  
  
*  
  
Memories make you who you are.  
  
Well that's what I've always believe. I don't know why I've always believed that. But I've always felt to forget is to deny that something ever happened. To forget your past is to deny who you are.  
  
So who am I?  
  
And why am I here?  
  
There is a deep sense of loss I can't explain. Maybe I never had a family like Buddy and his wife Mary say. They tell me that I'm a orphan whose parents and siblings died in a car crash when I was just a baby. I was in and out of foster homes all my childhood and then as soon as I was legal I worked in farms as a rancher so I could get my own place.  
  
They tell me that my name is Adam. So how come everything someone calls me that, I have to remind myself they're talking to me?  
  
But I just have this unexplainable feeling that I was happy once. Maybe it was at a foster home. I remember being with these kids, kids all younger than me. We were in this facility. Not a happy place. I don't remember why, but I know some terrible things happen. This was no brady bunch family home. This place had grey walls, sanitized floors and windows with bars. I don't remember ever seeing toys there, or hearing laughter. Or even crying. How strange is that? The world that keeps come to mind is sanitized. It was a sterile place. Not a place where dreams are born. I don't know who the kids were. There were about twenty of us. All kids with shaved heads. Maybe the home was one of those evangelical god places that don't believe in vanity or something. I don't know.  
  
Maybe it's a glimpse of the past that's too horrible to remember. Maybe once I lived as someone else, a past life where I had different names.  
  
I only remember I was happy once.  
  
I try so hard to remember. Sometimes while sitting in the barn loft or in a tree. (For some reason I like high places), something will trigger what seems like a memory.  
  
Just a glimpse of something, so brief and seemingly distant I'd think I was dreaming. A red balloon from Buddy's nephew's party. A woman with curly brown hair. Deep brown eyes you could lose yourself in, like an abyss.  
  
And a three-word haunts me. Max. I can hear it in my head sometimes. Things that I've said in the past maybe. The first time I heard it I felt this deep emotion build inside of me. One of the boys on the ranch was riding a dirt bike, revved up the engine and said ' Yeah, let's push this baby to the max.' There was a deep sense of familiarity at that word. Max. I nearly fell off the tree I was sitting in.  
  
I ran over to him, and grabbed his neck desperately yelling, 'What did you say? WHAT DID YOU SAY?' He look at me fearfully, like I was some kind of freak. He stuttered his sentence again. I squeezed harder and said frustratedly, " No, that word. Max. What does it mean?' He look at me blankly, and I saw fear there. He told me, "I-it's just short for maximum." I shook my head. No. That's not what it meant. He didn't understand. Max meant so much more  
  
Max meant courage. Max meant love. That was the only thing I was sure of.  
  
"Woah, you're stronger than you look. Been eating your vegetables, huh?' I didn't realize I'd grabbed him so hard that I'd lifted him a few inches off the group. I released him  
  
Then looked at the marks where I'd gripped him by the neck. I hadn't tried to hurt him. Truly. It had just been instinct. The incident was laughed off. I think he told Buddy though, because that night after dinner I was in my room, lying on the bed staring at the ceiling.  
  
I didn't sleep much. Couldn't. Always felt like someone was on my tail and they'd creep up on me when the moment I had my eyes closed. I could hear Buddy and Mary talking in their bedroom downstairs. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I really didn't. But somehow I could hear beyond these walls. I heard them whispering. Mary sounded worried. I don't remember the precious conversation. But she said something I'll never forget. She said, " Are you sure he can be trusted?" I heard Buddy replied, "You know I trust Logan with my life. He's done so much for us. I think we owe him this. Besides, Logan wouldn't knowingly put us in danger." Mary was quiet. Then a murmured "But he'll discover the truth soon. He's not stupid. He's already noticed that he's different to the others. He's stronger, quicker, better than them even without meaning to." Pause. "He's a killer. He could hurt any of them without meaning to." Silence.  
  
Horror filled me. Was I murderer? But. I don't want to harm anyone.  
  
But that look of fear in Warn's eyes when I'd grabbed him for some answers. That felt familiar. Like maybe fear was a feeling I'd often stirred in people.  
  
Maybe Mary was right. I was a killer. I could do no good. But I convinced myself that that wasn't me. I didn't want to think about the dreams.  
  
* Flashback *  
  
A man tearing through the woods. I can feel his fear, almost taste it. He runs, stumbling forward towards the river. Lydecker must have told him that once past he was safe from us. Boy was he in for a surprise. I sign some instructions to Max, Jondy and Ben and Zane to go one way. After they're gone, I take the others in another direction. The man is faltering. I can feel his weakness in every step. I've taken point, I'm always looking out for everyone else. I run behind Tinga, I can see her barcode in front of me as I run. There's the proof of what we are. Superior. After running through some thick shrub, we are upon the river. There he is, sweating heavily and panting. We'll sneak up behind him. Max's group is already gathered on the other side. He's sees us, starts firing wildly and swearing. But we are no match for him. I feel proud that we make such a good team. That we are better than him. I run towards him and kick the gun from his hand. Something glints in the sun. He's pulled out a knife. Wrong move. Ben disarms him and he's on the ground. We gather around. Ben tears the man's shirt. Shock. There is a drawing, a knife piercing a heart. There's a cry, I don't know who it is. "He's a nomalie."  
  
There is a frenzy of activity. They didn't even need me to issue an order. For the first time, I feel like I've lost control. And it feels good..  
  
*  
  
I found a way  
  
to reach myself again but all I saw was shame  
  
Drive me away  
  
there's something deep in me waiting to escape  
  
*  
  
*back to present *  
  
These dreams are so real. I can almost see it happening. But I can never see who I am. I don't know whether the person who takes me through these dreams will have blond hair and blue eyes. Maybe I'm afraid of finding out it is.  
  
The dreams keep me awake through the night. Sometimes I stay awake all night, fearing if I close my eyes, those images of violence and blood will fill my mind. Blood. Lots of blodd.  
  
But even when I'm awake, lying in my bed, the frills of  
  
, my mind is never blank. Sometimes, seeing shadows move across my balcony wall, I think that I can sense someone there. Someone watching me. Seeing those shadows slithering across the moonlight pooling into my room reminds me of something, something to fear. Sometimes in my mind, I see two hands, locked together, fluttering to make shadows on the wall, and one word comes to mind. A name for the endless shadows on my tail. Nomalies. It's then that I wish that I was in the grips of a dream. Even one of the black and white nightmares. It's funny that I don't dream in colors. The nightmares are always in endless shades of grey. Better the helplessness in dreams, then the constant fear when I wake up.  
  
The nightmares feel familiar.  
  
But I convinced myself that this wasn't me. That I hadn't enjoyed the chase. That these weren't my memories. You can only deny yourself for so long.  
  
About two months after I woke up in the hospital, I decided to leave the property for a little while. For almost two months I had not left the ranch for anything. But Mary wanted to get some groceries and I thought maybe I should tag along. Maybe something outside will tag a memory or two.  
  
I was right. But in the wrong way.  
  
We set out after lunch in the pickup, Mary driving, me sitting shotgun. We didn't talk much. After the Warn incident I didn't think she wanted to talk to me and I didn't have anything to say. So we drove to town in silence. I just watched the landscape, looking for anything that signified I belonged here. Nothing.  
  
We got into town and I followed Mary around as she went to the bank and went to buy some horse feed and tackle. Some people gave me a few looks. They were wary of strangers, especially one they hadn't had a glimpse of in two months. I just look right back at them. I've got nothing to hide.  
  
We walked into the general store to get some goods. So Mary went around the aisles with a shopping cart and her shopping list and I just looked around and browsed. I didn't find anything I needed. In fact, I found that I could live on the bare essentials. Maybe I'd done a lot of camping when I was younger.  
  
We went to the cashier to pay for everything and as the man scanned our groceries something hit me so hard I didn't know what to think. So I just picked up the box and showed it to the cashier. I didn't think I could find a voice.  
  
"Wh- What is that?" I asked.  
  
He gave me a strange look and took the box and scanned the little rectangle of lines I'd noticed before.  
  
"It's a barcode," he grunted, "Haven't ya ever seen one son?"  
  
"Yea," I said to myself quietly, " But not on some box."  
  
My hand instinctively rose to rub the back of my neck. There was something here. A clue to my past. I just needed to piece it together.  
  
I shut my eyes and willed myself to remember  
  
* Flash *  
  
I'm running behind someone. I can see a barcode on her neck  
  
* Flash *  
  
A voice I know is mine saying, " Max, this is you," while touching the barcode stuck on the decompression chamber. 332960073452  
  
"And me" Another barcode. 330417291599  
  
"And Brin" Another barcode.331280315734  
  
"And Tinga." Another barcode , 331450074656 and an image. A beautiful dark- skinned woman, her hair tied back. She's smiling and holding a little boy. A man stands behind her, protective but happy  
  
Another voice. Sounds so familiar.  
  
"No. Tinga's dead. Come on"  
  
So strong. So sure.  
  
Finally I can see the voice. She's there. The girl who haunts my dreams. Deep brown eyes, a round face surrounded by brown curls. She's beautiful, he knows that. And he loves her without quite knowing why. Maybe its that look in her eye. Determination.  
  
This must be Max  
  
*  
  
Don't give me names  
  
You've got it all, took it all from me  
  
Drove me insane  
  
Who'd come down to earth, releasing me  
  
Healing my wounds  
  
so why don't you close the door when you're leaving me  
  
now you'll run  
  
running all the way back to me again  
  
*  
  
* End Flash *  
  
'Barcodes," I say. Is that my voice? Adam or whoever I am.  
  
"We all have barcodes," I repeated to Mary  
  
She had a strange look on my face. Knowledge.  
  
She had been hiding something from him all this time.  
  
I had to know. This was the most important thing in my life. I needed to know who I am.  
  
I grabbed her by the arms and shook her.  
  
"What do you know??" I growled at her.  
  
She was silent, but there was fear in my eyes  
  
"Who AM I?" I shouted, shaking her harder.  
  
"Hey!" I heard the cashier say. He came at me trying to get me to let go.  
  
I backhanded him in a smooth, rapid move. He slumped onto the ground.  
  
I wondered how I knew how to do that? It just felt like. instinct.  
  
Mary was crying now.  
  
"I don't know. Buddy and I don't know anything," She sobbed.  
  
"WHO IS ADAM?" I shouted at her.  
  
She's trying to take away my past again. Her and Buddy, they had been hiding who he was all along.  
  
"Find Logan! He knows!" Mary screams as I increased pressure on her arms.  
  
"Logan who?" I yell.  
  
"Logan Cale!" she screams.  
  
I dropped her and streaked out the door without looking back.  
  
I knew what was going to happen if I stayed in this town.  
  
Another feeling I was familiar with. Hostility.  
  
Time for me to leave.  
  
I jumped into Mary' pickup and sped down the road until it connected onto a highway. There was a sign there. Seatle 50 miles.  
  
I might as well head in that direction.  
  
I'm trying to sort out the jumble in my head.  
  
Buddy. Buddy had lied from the beginning.  
  
Maybe this Logan person would too.  
  
I need to find Max.  
  
*  
  
I'm here to end the game  
  
I'm living in a lie  
  
I loved you a lot  
  
to need you a lot  
  
*  
  
Funny enough, running felt good. Like a kind of safety  
  
I have to leave. I have to find some answers. I have a feeling that those kids in my dreams are something I don't want to lose.  
  
I don't know where I'll go. But something is calling me to Seatle.  
  
Maybe there's someone there that once knew me. The real me. Whatever my name is.  
  
Whoever I am.  
  
*  
  
the road is long  
  
the memory slides  
  
to the whole of my undoing  
  
put aside  
  
I put away  
  
I push it back to get through each day  
  
and all I feel is black and white  
  
and I'm wound up small and tight  
  
and I don't know who I am  
  
* 


	7. Discovery

Author: Tiger_lily  
  
Notes: Okay, originally this story was just some Max/Zack drabble inspired by my fanart of Max in Seatle thinking about Zack. That inspired Chapter 1, but I enjoyed writing it so much I decided to continue it by writing what I think Max/Zack afterthoughts would be on some important episodes.  
  
Then I enjoyed writing up to Chapter 5 so much I thought. heck! Why don't I just create a story about Adam and his feelings about not knowing who he is? So that was created, but that was still on safe territory. And that ended with him going to Seatle, still not remembering his name or Manticore, only Max.  
  
Then through some feedback (Thanx guys. U rule : ) I thought, why not continue this story and find out what happens when Adam reaches Seatle? This is really a leap of faith, 'cos I'm not very imaginative and I thought I would just stuff it up.  
  
But there are a few stories about Adam gaining his memories and finding Max and then consequently Logan posted on this site by very talented authors. I wanted to make mine different from theirs.  
  
This is the brain juice that resulted  
  
Hope I don't disappoint.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
I'm living two lives, I'm high and I'm low  
  
To my eyes, I push and I pull  
  
Jekyll or Hyde, You'll never be sure, Sometimes  
  
Light as a bird, Doesn't seem right  
  
I am a gun and I am loaded  
  
I'm taking you down, I'll take you down  
  
I am a bomb about to go and  
  
You're going down, I'll take you down  
  
Breakin' you down, I'm pounding you down  
  
Breakin' you down, I'm taking you down  
  
Fillin' your eyes, Now that you know  
  
You're inside, Locked in the door  
  
You know you can't hide  
  
Cause I have a key, You'll find  
  
The beast within me, Now is the time  
  
I am a gun and I am loaded  
  
I' m taking you down, I'll take you down  
  
I am a bomb about to go  
  
No one in the streets noticed the stolen pickup cruise through the city streets.  
  
Music blared on the radio. It was dark, but the streets were lit up with lights and nocturnal festivities. No one noticed the driver surveying the people and their activities, his blue eyes flicking, absorbing information at an astonishing rate.  
  
So this was Seattle.  
  
Sorta not the town he'd expected Max to settle in. It was so open. So exposed.  
  
That was the militant side of him talking.  
  
I wonder where I get that from?  
  
But she was here. He could feel it. And he was going to find her.  
  
Cruising past the animated streets, watching strangers ease themselves into the darkness, he saw things that would scare normal people. But it comforted him. To know worse things happened to people in the world than just losing their identity. The sleazy guy with the mohawk begging for his life in front of the local drug lord in the building he just drove past was probably wishing to be someone else.  
  
Actually, it wasn't so bad, he thought as the pickup passed multicolored market stalls flogging anything to make a living. Some used fire and light to attract takers like insects drawn to heat. Others dirty danced in the streets, contorting their bodies up and down, from side to side to an invisible score, themselves the main attraction.  
  
People minded their own business here. Too absorbed in their own lives to notice yours. It was good for people who wanted to blend into the nightscape.  
  
Like him.  
  
Zack had always loved the night. The darkness was a companion to all those who didn't want to be noticed in the world. Looking around the streets of Seatle, there were many like him, who just wanted to mind their own lives, oblivious to the troubles of others.  
  
Zack wasn't adverse to helping people. He was just rational. There were too many people who needed help. He couldn't help them all. So why try?  
  
He was entering the residential area of Seatle. Every house, every apartment he passed, he wondered. Did she live there? Was that her just passing the window?  
  
He wasn't sure where he was going.  
  
He just drove the truck down those empty city streets, reminding him why they were called Skid Row.  
  
He looked out of his window at the darkened skyline. The big base columns of industrial factories lined the horizon, spitting out the poison of human after-waste. The moon and stars were hard to see clearly through the smog. The Space Needle towered over the city, solitary, desolate, challenging in its stance.  
  
He pressed a palm to his temple. There was a sharp jabbing pain in his head. Something that cried out to be heard.  
  
There was something about that tower, a memory associated with that Space Needle that tugged at his head. Something about Max.  
  
*Flash *  
  
She was sitting there. Alone.  
  
Talking to herself.  
  
He wondered if she was feeling okay.  
  
He stood there in the shadows. Observing her. She didn't do much. Just stared ahead at the luminous city beneath her. Just thinking, sometimes voicing thoughts out loud. A lot about this Logan guy. Sometimes about her mother, sometimes about what she'd imagined the others to be. Nothing about him.  
  
He wondered if she ever thought about him.  
  
He understood why she'd chosen this spot though. The Space Needle. Tallest point in Seatle. He'd read it in the travel brochure and had a hunch that somehow, at some time, she would be up here.  
  
It was bred into them all. A love of high places.  
  
A lot of good it did them.  
  
Ben turned out to be a psycho killer. Jazz had thrown herself off a cliff.  
  
And Max was up here muttering to herself like a senile senior citizen.  
  
He wanted to alert her to his presence. But not yet. Not until he had surveyed her activities for a few days. Not until he was sure about the amount of danger she was placing herself in by staying here. Not until he'd formed an executive decision to what order to give her. And what reasons he could use to overcome that smart mouth of hers.  
  
He would find a way to keep her safe. He always did.  
  
*~*~*~*~~*  
  
* End Flashback *  
  
Max. She could be up there.  
  
He made a sharp turn to the right. He was going to the Space Needle.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Zack surveyed the world beneath his feet.  
  
So many people.  
  
One for every one of the lights down below. A light for a life.  
  
It reminded him of something they'd been taught at Manticore.  
  
They?  
  
Manticore?  
  
Still more questions he couldn't answer.  
  
By itself, one light would look weak. Meager.  
  
But together, they created a luminous cityscape that could possibly be seen from heaven.  
  
If there was such a thing.  
  
He took a deep breath. There was a faint scent of her here. Just a faint whiff, but it was here and unmistakably clear to him.  
  
Motor oil and feline. That's what she smelt like.  
  
And she'd been here quite recently. He could gather that much.  
  
Max.  
  
How was he possibly going to find her?  
  
No surname. No age. No birthdate. No idea.  
  
It would probably be easier to choose one of the distant flickering lights below and go door-knocking.  
  
And yet that three lettered word was the only clue he had to his past. The only one he could trust.  
  
Or he could go and search for the elusive Logan Cale.  
  
The guy knew everything. Yet Zack wouldn't be able to tell the truth from fiction.  
  
And he had a feeling, deep inside him, that he couldn't trust Logan Cale.  
  
He couldn't even trust himself.  
  
So she wasn't here. Oh well, he had to give it a try. But just seeing the city so still was a just reward.  
  
He took a step closer to the edge. He wondered what it would feel like if he just stepped off the edge. Many times at the farm he'd asked himself what he was living for. No family. No friends. No hope.  
  
He could easily let himself go now. Just walk a little bit closer. Fool his body into thinking that here was enough room to walk just a little bit further. Fool his mind into relinquishing all thoughts of survival instinct and just let go. Fall from the edge into the night. And then he would have no more worries. No more cares. He would be free.  
  
He didn't know where his soul would go. Maybe it would just cease to exist. Maybe it never had.  
  
But the thought of Max out there somewhere, waiting to be found gave him purpose.  
  
The thought of her made him feel that there was so much out there in the world for him.  
  
And he could never let go of this world without knowing she was safe and happy.  
  
Without knowing if he'd ever made her happy.  
  
Now, watching the city that spilled over into the horizon, he felt his hope diminish somewhat. Would he ever find someone like her if she didn't want to be found?  
  
That was the part that confused him. If she was such a big part of his life, why hadn't she hung around? Why did she leave him, alone and without knowing who he was?  
  
Maybe she wouldn't be happy to see him when he finally found her. If he found her.  
  
He could ask someone. Describe her long dark hair. Her deep brown eyes. Her sweet smile. Her feline grace. These details just came to him, like a tap dripping into the facet  
  
of his mind. Sometimes he can almost see her, the memory is so strong. Sometimes it pours.  
  
But the trouble with a city where people mind their own lives? They could've lived next to her for years and not taken notice of the beauty right under their eyes.  
  
Hey watch it buddy, he thought to himself, Take it one day at a time.  
  
You're not going anywhere until you find her. You have all the time in the world to find yourself.  
  
Now he just had to find somewhere to stay the night. Somewhere to sleep, if he didn't mind playing host to a couple of nightmares tonight. Maybe a cheap motel somewhere along Skid Row. He'd passed many on his way into here.  
  
Or maybe he'd just stay here. What better place to sleep than right on top of the world?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
He was listed  
  
That told Zack three things about Logan Cale.  
  
He was rich.  
  
After the Pulse, most of the non-wealthy civilians had taken to trespassing Not much likelihood they'd want to be listed. Most of the down and out in Seatle wouldn't even have a phone.  
  
He wanted to get robbed.  
  
Thieves often skimmed the phone books for potential victims.  
  
If Zack could put two and two together.  
  
He was a confident son of a bitch.  
  
Zack knew this from experience. A hunch from his past.  
  
Which somehow didn't make Zack like him any more than he already didn't.  
  
There were three 'L. Cale's in the phone book.  
  
He dialed the first one.  
  
"Max?"  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
Nope. Next.  
  
"Max?"  
  
"What? Who's this? Maxwell you bastard! You've been cheating on me? With a guy? I knew you were a no-good piece of s-"  
  
Definitely not.  
  
Last one.  
  
An unfamiliar feeling flooded through Zack. It was worry.  
  
This is it. The last number. The last lead Zack had that might lead to Max. After that, he was at a dead end.  
  
Maybe this Logan guy wasn't listed. Maybe he was just.  
  
"Maxie?"  
  
He hoped this one was lucky.  
  
Silence. Light breathing on the phone.  
  
Then."Who is this? "  
  
Something familiar about that voice.  
  
There were strains of anxiety in that voice. For Max. His Max.  
  
He took a breath. He had to take the risk.  
  
" Do you know where 332960073452 is located?"  
  
Silence. Then.  
  
"What do you know about Max? Is she okay? Who are you?"  
  
This man had too many questions and no answers.  
  
This was Logan Cale.  
  
Zack put the phone on the hook.  
  
Guess he was paying a visit to 'Penthouse, Foggle Towers.'  
  
Maybe just ask this Logan nicely what the hell he did to me.  
  
Zack stepped out of the phone box. Pedestrians rushed past them. All so careless. So unaware that Zack was one step closer to finding some answers to his past.  
  
He walked towards his truck, mind occupied with thoughts of what he was going to do or say to this Logan character. The person who'd stolen his identity.  
  
Did he really want to find out who . or what he was?  
  
Images of death and killing flooded his mind. Throwing his force into someone's chest to fracture ribs. Putting pressure at the spinal cord until a snap rung out - the vertebrae breaking. Blood, lots of blood, splashing onto his face, making his fingers slippery and covering his eyes. All he could see was red.  
  
A voice.  
  
They were designed to kill.  
  
He was scared of what he would find from this Logan.  
  
He didn't know where to look for some kind of comfort. For definition. So he just stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and looked to the sky. He didn't know what he was expecting to see. A rainbow? An angel flying across the sky, wings ready to surround him?  
  
Suddenly in front of him, an image emerged, large and domineering, obscuring his view. It was a monstrosity as it reared towards him, black eyes ablaze. It was a crow.  
  
It made him shiver.  
  
Was he hallucinating? But even as he blinked, it was still there, obscuring his vision, getting closer until he could see nothing except the black pupils staring straight into his soul.  
  
And out of the black. appeared a girl.  
  
A girl with long dark hair and shiny dark eyes.  
  
She was staring ahead straight at him. But she didn't seem to see him at all.  
  
She walked straight into him without lifting her eyes to his face.  
  
"Sorry." Quick smile.  
  
He waited for a spark of recognition in her eyes. Nothing.  
  
Maybe he was mistaken. Maybe it wasn't her.  
  
She was walking away.  
  
No. Luck had nothing to do with it.  
  
____________________________________________________________________  
  
There was a click.  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
Logan stared at the phone he was holding in his hand, frowning. The monotone dial tone rang in his ears.  
  
Who was that?  
  
Someone who knew Max. Someone who knew Manticore.  
  
He started dialing a number. He had to check she was okay.  
  
He hoped she had her pager on.  
  
"Punk ass here. Leave a message."  
  
Max's familiar sarcastic tone greeted his ears.  
  
He lifted the phone to his ear.  
  
"Max? Are you okay? Just wanted to give you a heads up." He said, staring at the blue sky outside the window. Another day. Another enemy. He was used to it.  
  
"Just got a phone call. There's a new X-5 in town."  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
*  
  
You're going down, I'll break you down  
  
I'll break you down, I'll take you down.  
  
*  
  
__________________________________________________________________  
  
That face. That smile.  
  
It seemed so familiar.  
  
As she started walking away from him, he started to follow.  
  
I know her. She's- she's.  
  
Now he was right behind her. That determined stride. That proud posture. It had to be.  
  
It was.  
  
He reached out to grab her sleeve. She turned around sharply, hair surrounding her face to form a dark halo, arm swinging around so that she caught his arm. On the defensive. Ready for attack.  
  
She hasn't changed.  
  
"Brin."  
  
Her dark eyes scrutinized him.  
  
Her lips curled into a smile.  
  
"Hello, brother."  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Well? What do you think?  
  
I've got a few interesting places where this could go. 


End file.
